On Sunday night, I thought I was going to jail. Never mind why.

In my despair and apathy, I snapped back at something Lilith said, and gave her permission (I know it sounds odd, a slave giving his Mistress permission, but she respects my views and feelings on serious issues) to find physical comfort somewhere other than with me. She protested, even though it is something she needs and wants, simply because she was afraid of what it would do to us. On a self-loathing impulse, I persisted, and over the remainder of the evening and a good bit of Monday morning, argued my point and pushed permission. As is scarily frequent with us, we both convinced the other of our point at the same time, and wound up basically having the argument in reverse. We have still not reached a definitive solution, but have found a workable answer. For now.

I am usually a fairly stable person. When I decide on something, it is usually because I have given it enough careful consideration not to regret it, or because I act on impulse, and my gut feelings do not oft lead me astray. In this issue, however, I am seriously bi-polar. In one moment I can completely understand why it would be good for her and accept it, and in the next I can hardly consider the idea without feeling nauseated.

I don’t know what to do.

I have a series of feeling-driven reasons why it both would and would not be acceptable, but Lilith works less with feelings and more with reason, especially in this situation. I explained myself, and my reasons, to her this evening on the phone, and she accepted them, even though the feelings, and logic behind them, were so twisted that I’m sure they did not make as much sense to her as they do to me. Throughout the conversation, she was texting with D, which I was ok with. Then he invited her over. His roommate left at noon.

It’s not that I suspect anything is going to happen. It’s not that I’m positive I’d be bothered if something did. It’s not that I feel abandoned, although I wish I had gotten to talk to her longer.

It’s simply that I don’t know.

I have never been this torn on an issue, never changed my mind this many times, nor this sporadically, without reaching some definitive answer. I’m uncomfortable with my indecision, with my inability to fully and completely commit myself one way or another, and put this state of limbo behind us.

I don’t know what to do.